Written by Kemi

Daddy Issues

Hi Dr DADDY! 
I’ve just turned 30 and I’m scared. When I was little I was convinced that life would be over by now. At least the meaningful, fun part of it. Am I being silly? Is there more to life than being young, beautiful and having a body to die for? I mean, there are lots of celebrities who are over 30 and fabulous, right? I’m so confused. Can you help?

Hi Confused!

Life definitely ends when you turn 30. Your body will turn from firm to flabby at the speed of lightning, hair will grow in weird places, pubes will turn grey, and you’ll start having the strangest medical problems. A combination of constant fatigue and insomnia is also something you’ll have to get used to. While existential dread will make it hard for you to get a good night’s sleep, you’ll be wide awake, alert and anxious early in the mornings, even on weekends. Gone are the days when you could have lie-ins until 3pm.

For many people this time will also coincide with a phase when the thought of staying at home and getting drunk alone in a darkened room seems a lot more appealing than facing the world outside. Sometimes you’ll switch your phone to flight mode, just in case someone tries to reach you — but don’t worry, the weekend phone calls will stop instantly once you hit the big 3 0. Indifference will fill every fibre of your body, especially when dealing with other humans because you a) can’t even be bothered to maintain existing friendships, b) you’ve completely lost interest in other people’s opinions and c) you’ve stopped trying to pretend you’re even following conversations. Your antisocial behaviour combined with a lack of socially acceptable hobbies or interests means that you’ll end up becoming socially immobile, which also makes dating a lot more difficult.

Congratulations if you’ve already managed to trick someone into being in a relationship with you. If that isn’t the case, you will by now hopefully have reached a point in your career where you’re either powerful or rich enough to buy love. If so, be merciless and make sure that the lights are always on at full blast when you’re at it. Make them work for it. If you’re single and don’t happen to be in a position of power that allows you to pay people to sleep with you then you might as well close that chapter forever and immediately get yourself a couple of cats or dogs to fill the void.

The great thing about getting older is that you’ll stop doing things you don’t enjoy — and you won’t be afraid to be very vocal about it. Time becomes more precious and you’ll be less willing to waste it on terrible people, jobs or environments. You can finally be your true self, which is both liberating and terrifying at the same time. Hope I could help. Have a fantastic day!

XOXO,

Dr DADDY