Douchebag Untld. Is Hiring! Apply Today And Become The Token Unicorn To Showcase Our Company's Diversity 

Written by Kemi

Business/ Daddy Issues

Art by Coco

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing in application for the Token Unicorn vacancy advertised on your website. Your company’s ruthless capitalist vision is incredibly appealing to me and I’d be more than happy to share my cultural knowledge and understanding to help you exploit and monetise my beliefs for your commercial purposes.

Douchebag Untld. seems like the perfect fit for someone like me who quite literally always hits the ground running. Having been the Token Unicorn in several companies before, I know my place, not just in society, but especially in a corporate setting. Therefore I’m quite happy to be in an appropriately subordinate position and to never ever reach for the stars — or a promotion. I’m totally fine with my ideas not getting acknowledged during meetings and non-unicorn ideas being prioritised to the point where I basically didn’t need to have participated in the meeting at all and will happily pretend to be a valued employee as soon as a client is in the office.

Furthermore I’m also happy to pretend that I’m extremely close to and feel perfectly understood by my fellow co-workers so that everyone will feel totally at ease in the presence of a Token Unicorn like myself. After all, I’m sure that some of their best friends outside of work are Token Unicorns, too. You can rest assured that I fully understand that the concept of unicornism* or any other act of discrimination is a totally made up construct aimed at undermining our über inclusive, just society. I firmly believe that unicorns have the same chances as non-unicorns and I love nothing more than a good unicorn joke. I mean, it’s just banter! In fact, I’ve got a few unicorn jokes up my sleeve that I’m happy to share with you!

During quieter periods, I’d be ecstatic to double as the face of your company to showcase your excellence in diversity (whenever you are comfortable with me doing so) — without any additional financial compensation for my amateur modelling of course. I’d happily pose in photos as proof of your continued efforts in marketing yourself as an inclusive, progressive employer.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours faithfully,
Rainbow Unicorn

*unicornism: the dislike of or prejudice against unicorns, combined with the belief that non-unicorns possess characteristics, abilities, or qualities specific to them that make them superior to unicorns.