2016 has been shit. That’s just a fact. One of the few left in this post-factual Trump-Brexit-AfD-neo-nationalist hell. However, we should always look on the bright side of things and retain a grossly negligent and irrational positive outlook. At least that’s what self-help books like The Power of Now and second-rate clickbait-articles have taught me.
So yes, it’s all horrible. But at least Trump et al. have made for some very hilarious and entertaining news, right? Until the world goes back to normal (if it ever does), here’s some of the most ridiculous headlines of 2016 to keep you smiling — through your tears, anyway.
That’s good. Very reassuring. Why hasn’t any US president ever uttered those important words before? The only reason any journos are left in 2016 must be that Obama just really liked them. And Bush. And Nixon. Maybe. I’m admittedly a bit worried for all those people Trump hates and who he hasn’t yet made a public statement about confirming he won’t murder them.
“MY LEFT TESTICLE WAS AS LARGE AS A LEMON AND ROCK HARD”
Nigel wrote those words himself. Who would have thought that this was a man who would later resign from UKIP to ‘take time and reflect’ after having helped create yet another crisis in Europe, then grow a moustache and become friends with Trump?
Britain’s top diplomat appears on live television. When asked to name a head of state who has dominated the news for the last two weeks, he doesn’t know the answer. Fleeing really is the most rational option here and we should give Boris some credit for that.
After a Vanity Fair editor claimed Nigel’s bestie has “abnormally stubby fingers”, the now President Elect “would circle his hands in gold Sharpie and point out his fingers did not look so small” on newspaper cutouts.
The Donald’s small hands and Nigel’s lemon-sized testicle. Two images that are now forever burned into our imaginations.
This is just a wonderful metaphor for all the empty promises that got politicians elected this year. Here’s to staying positive in a world that has become so weird, it often feels like the writers of South Park and David Lynch have got together and written the news. If you’re still craving more, we suggest swinging by the Donald’s Twitter account for more of the same.